So last week, I began telling you about how to tell if you have had visitations in your sleep from your deceased loved ones and friends. Then I shared an example of how my grandfather’s spirit talked me out of suicide. Pretty heavy subject matter, I know. This week I am going to continue the subject with a few more visitations I’ve had in my dreams. I’d like to say that the stories will be much lighter but, let’s face it, when dealing with death, it always has an air of sadness to it.
My dad and I always had an up and down relationship. I always referred to him as “a stranger that lives here and pays rent.” Whether he was on the boat or driving over the road, for most of my life he was pretty much an absentee father.
My parents were married over thirty years when my dad suddenly passed away at only 54 from cardiac arrest brought on by a pulmonary embolism. Having to decide the fate of your father at only 24 years old is not something I would recommend to anyone and, at no matter what age, that changes you completely. At the time, my grandmother was still alive and I knew that the shock of this would just end her. She was in the nursing home and pretty much on hospice care.
I had mixed feelings about my dad dying. I wasn’t a daddy’s girl so, for me, it was like he went back on the road and it seemed almost natural. He hasn’t been the type to show up to school functions, plays, concerts, anything I was involved in, so what would it matter if he didn’t see me graduate college or get married one day?
I think those ambivalent feelings and the anger we had toward each other is what keeps him from visiting me much. Occasionally, he will show up in a dream but never say anything or deliver any messages. The only time recently, where he did speak to me, was the night before I got married, August 26, 2017. We were at the venue practicing for the wedding the next day and I wanted to try to walk the aisle myself without my mom. To be honest, I was pretty mad at her at the time, so I wanted to shun her a bit.
I made it through the practice, but afterwards a wave of sadness hit me. I completely broke down and started crying, wailing about how my dad should be here for this and how it’s not fair. I’m sure that outburst made mom’s boyfriend uncomfortable, but since I don’t like that guy anyways, I don’t really care about his feelings.
Of course, everyone gathered around the weeping bride-to-be with kind words and after I calmed down a bit, I went up to the hotel room. Thankfully, one of my cousins stayed with me that night and we went to bed fairly early. I had a hard time sleeping, but eventually when I did drift off, I saw my dad in my dream. He was actually smiling and all I heard was “I want you to know that I’m proud of you and that we’re all watching.” Despite being tired and full of nerves, that message gave me the strength to get through the morning of August 27th and marry my husband.
 |
| Dad and his favorite mode boat. Easter 2010 |
My Grandma Ginny, wife of my beloved Grandpa and my dad, was the type of woman that you think of when you picture an old Southern woman. She looked like Bea Arthur when she was younger, smoked at least two packs a day, and had her ever-present Diet Pepsi within arm’s reach. She was basically a second mom to me and, like most parents, we had our up and down times, but I was always there for her. Near the end of her life, she started having problems with her circulation, due to the combination of smoking and diabetes, and an amputation was performed. At one point, I stayed with her and acted as a Help at Home nurse until the night nurse would come and relieve me. Eventually, I wanted to go back to work and go back to school, and she was always supportive of that. She could not be prouder of me when I went back to college in 2012. She was in the nursing home by that time and every time I came to visit, she would always ask what I was studying and how my grades were. But, as she got worse in the nursing home and her memory started to go, I got very unnerved. She was not the same person that she had been, and I got to the point where I was so tired of telling her that I was not my Aunt Jennifer, that I would just stay home and throw myself into my work.
It came as no surprise when my Grandma died in May 2013, only two and a half months after my dad. I remember we got the call that she didn’t have long and I could not bring myself to go and say goodbye. She died ten minutes after my mom got to the nursing home and as my Aunt got there from Mississippi. When my mom told me the time of death, I got a little bit of a shock, because at that exact time, I smelt a puff of cigarette smoke around me and nobody in our house smoked...
 |
| Grandma Ginny and her dog Babe. Circa 2002 |
After two shocking deaths in the family, and an estate feud that would follow, I ended up having a bit of a nervous breakdown. I took a semester off school, went into therapy, and tried to get my head on straight to go back in the Spring. However, that’s when the mysterious illness took hold of my life and made my life a living hell for five months. During that time, I didn’t see much of Grandma in my dreams. Occasionally, we would get a puff of smoke around the house and that made me know she was there.
But we remember what I wrote before: I got better, I got on with my life and eventually that led me to meeting my now-husband. As we were planning the wedding, I had many bittersweet moments. My mom had moved on with her life and was dating, so she was sort of removed from the feelings that I was going through, and thus, of little help to me during those moments of sadness. I remember trying on wedding dresses and most of the females in my family, plus a few close girlfriends and my godmother, were there to support me. I felt overjoyed that they all approved of the dress I chose and that I was making the right decision. However, on the way back, I got really quiet. For those that know me in person, I am never short on things to talk about. My mom said, “What’s up with you?” I replied, “I’m just wondering what dad and Grandma would have said about my dress? If they would have liked it and stuff...” My mom replied, “Your dad wouldn’t have cared what it looked like and your grandma would have just been glad that your t**s are covered.” Thanks, mom. I got sort of teary-eyed then and said to her, “You may not care because you’ve moved on and everything and started a new life with your boyfriend, but this is still my family and it hurts that they can’t be there.” She didn’t really say anything after that.
Not long after that exchange, I had a dream where Grandma came. She was smiling at me and she had tears in her eyes. She took my hand and said, “The dress you picked was absolutely beautiful and I know you’re gonna be a lovely bride. I am so proud of you and I know that that young man is gonna take good care of you. Love you, Jo!” I sat up in bed and there was a lingering scent of cigarette smoke in the room. Neither my husband or I smoke, so that’s when I knew that it was real.
On the day of the wedding, I had a framed photo of my grandparents sitting on the table where we performed our unity sand ceremony. In my bouquet, I carried an imprint of my dad’s thumb, taken before he was cremated and turned into an engraved charm. I honored the fallen, and they honored me by being there…. How do I know? I could sense them.
So, what do you think? Do you think ghosts visit us when we sleep?
Sweet dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment