If Two Barflies with Boards and Ropes Make You Feel Safe, You Should Probably Not Read This

by Kevin Candela

It’s funny what people will believe if it makes them feel safe. Secure. In control. 

Like the way two career bar sots in Great Britain claimed they were behind the crop circle phenomenon. This happened back in the Nineties. The biggest service I could do for these attention-seeking “gentlemen” here would be naming them, so that isn’t going to happen. But you remember these “everyman” (if the average man spends his days in a bar, which probably isn’t the case) types and their boast that they were behind the crop circle phenomenon. Claiming to use no more than two-by-fours and ropes, these guys said they went here and there making patterns in the crop fields.

Let’s do the math on that, shall we?

To begin with, even back then it was a global phenomenon. Iowa had crop circles. 

How’d these two bar fixtures do those? Phone calls to bored frat boys at lowa State?

At best, they could have done some in the surrounding terrain. Maybe. IF they could hold the tight dimensions flawlessly, which humans don’t tend to do over many yards of corn, wheat, etc. IF they could obscure their footprints…all over the work region, plus in and out of it. IF they could evade being noticed while tromping around for hours in someone else’s valuable food crop land.

IF, IF, IF.

Yet the press pushed it. Around the world. Headlines declared the whole thing had been figured out, it was all a hoax, get over it you tinfoil weirdos…nothing new under the sun.

No doubt there’s nothing new under the sun. The trick is, most of us are only seeing a fraction of what’s happening in front of our eyes. And if you are the type to dismiss crop circles with the mindless claim that these guys confessed, “case closed”, as stated you shouldn’t be reading this: Your mind is like a steel trap indeed—the kind that’s rusted shut and lost in the woods. And what’s come before and what is to follow is only going to make you mad. 

A couple of rotting drunks cannot cause the nodes in grain stalks to explode like they’ve been microwaved. They can stagger around out there all they want, but they won’t create anomalies in the magnetic fields within the circle confines that can be measured with scientific instruments. And how even some dedicated frat boys (I’ll give them credit for a lot more intellect than the glory-grubbing hoaxer drunks) could fake that alien face in 3-D with boards and ropes without leaving traces of their presence—well, I’d love to see that on video.

So if you bought the media sell that crop circles were manmade hoaxes back in the Nineties, and cling to it now, well…hopefully you’ve found something more reassuring to read instead. Pro sports playoffs. There are your human-based hoaxes. The illusion of opposing forces in your government. More hoaxed stuff. 

Now, if on the other hand you made it through this without flinching, without hiding from the physical reality (two sots can’t a global phenomenon make, or even inspire) and the news media skewing, well…congratulations. You can actually THINK. You understand that fear must be faced. We can chat.

And in fact, in the case of crop circles, there’s no reason for fear to even be part of the equation: I can’t think of one crop circle that looks like any kind of threat to our world, ourselves or anything else. Can you?